I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
