im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood