Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
