I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Randomize
