Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
