glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize