i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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