You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm too high and old for this...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
