So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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