I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
