I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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