Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Randomize
