Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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