Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
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I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
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Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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