when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
