I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
