Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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