she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
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I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
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and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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