if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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