I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
