just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
