I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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