Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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