hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
