I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
