time to smoke my breakfast
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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