That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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