Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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