I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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