god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
