But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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