Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
