At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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