Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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