No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Will exercising make me less horny?
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