you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
