our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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