Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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