No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
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She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
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Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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