my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
