You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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