hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
