She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
