A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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