you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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