i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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