why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
