did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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