I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
