Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
