FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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