i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I think my moral compass just broke
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
