ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
