Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
